The Fucked Up Shit We Say

Thinking aloud here..
I was just scanning back over my Gentlemen Only 찜질방 story and felt a little embarrassed about utilizing such racially loaded expressions, mentioning skin color over and over again… almost bordering on race fetishism.

But that’s why I went ahead with publishing it on an erotica site and why I plan to write more stories like it. Sometimes embarrassment is a good thing. It keeps you thinking, reflecting and looking inward.

Race fetishism and the ideas and images that promote it are everywhere. The influence of racial/ethnic stereotyping and objectification is constantly injected into our lives, relationships, workplace and between the sheets, usually when we’re least aware of it.

Around 3-4 years ago I was working at a clinic as a licensed Massage Therapist in Seattle. During that time one of my regular clients and I enjoyed a series of fun conversations often centered around our romantic lives. She was white/caucasian/whatever pale skinned-label you prefer and married to a man of Chinese decent. They were very cute together, and openly affectionate, with two beautiful children.

I told her that my fiancee was Korean and so we shared a lot of our experiences of being in “AMWF” relationships, amongst other things.

One day she said, “It’s funny how being in a so-called ‘interracial relationship’ will cause you to say ridiculous things that people in same-race relationships never say to one another. I mean, most times I never even think about it. We’ve been married for over ten years, we’re a family now, with kids.. but occasionally we say some fucked up shit to each other. Know what I mean?” –Yes. I do. — and she goes on, “Last week, I swear… while having sex my husband suddenly says, ‘Yeah white girl, take it! You like it like that!’ Can you believe that?! Ha!” –Yes, I can.– “And I could not stop laughing to concentrate on sex anymore. After all these years… White girl. Where the hell did that come from?”

And then I told her about the time I walked in on my [ex] fiancee wanking to an old high school yearbook photo of me dressed as that racist, elitist, female stereotype, the infamous Southern belle, Miss Scarlett O’hara from Gone With The Wind.

Thanks for that, Facebook!

Oh yeah. That happened. And that photo exists because the teachers and fellow students at my high school coerced me into dressing like Scarlett O’hara, with giant curls in my hair, a big ruffled ball gown, lacy white gloves, waving a giant lacy fan around for their amusement and then several caricature photos later.. for their annual photo album.

They practically begged me into it and suddenly a horde of giddy teenage girls are dressing me in this costume wear and rolling my hair.
BOOM — I wasn’t gonna live down the Southern belle stereotype for years and years to come. Thanks again, Facebook.

And I’ve been pigeon-holed into that stereotype throughout my life because somehow, much to my embarrassment, I absorbed a syrupy southern drawl at a young age and haven’t been able to lose it entirely. It comes and goes, but during my childhood, teens and 20s, it was thick and I was constantly in fear of being recorded.

It might’ve been alright if I had remained in a region where it’s the norm but I never fit in with the conservative culture and prevalent attitudes of folk in the South. And yet my voice was seasoned with this god damned Southern molasses anyhow (like the Sookie character in True Blood) — and then off I went to live in places where I became a caricature of every Southern stereotype imaginable. The Southern belle, white trash i.e. Daisy Duke of the Dukes of Hazard –Yech, sweet yet dumb gal, the ignorant redneck and toothless hillbilly, straw hat wearing bumpkin, Republican douche bag, Christian Conservative, etc..
“Ohmygod. You sound just like Jodi Foster in Silence of the Lambs. Ever seen that movie Sweet Home Alabama? Did you wear shoes growing up? Were you raised on a farm?”

I’ve lived a life of loathing, I mean LOATHING, the sound of my own voice and avoiding others who share a despicable Southern accent. I can pretty much mimic any movie line with a Southern drawl you hear in a cheesy Hollywood movie stereotyping the South and do it better than the original actress. (Reese Witherspoon in Freeway. Yep. I got it down.)
So people used to say things like “Say, ‘Haaay YAWL.’ C’mon… say something like, ‘Ya’ll come back nah’ya heeear!’ or “Haaaaaaaaay Shuuugar. Keeeiss mah GRITS!”

Anyhow, like I said, it comes and goes. Fortunately, it’s subsided a great deal over the years.

Ok. Enough with the digressing down memory lane.

So, back to my [ex] fiancee, cock in hand, glued to this photo of me (age 15-16) wearing that ridiculous, lacy getup.

I said something like, “Aha! Busted! I caught you redhanded, you perv.”

Then — here it comes — he asked if I would wear something like that sometimes while he’s fucking me.

“Are you serious? You wanna have sex with me while I wear some giant, lacy ball gown???” He was serious. So I said, “Ok. Yeah, sure… if you dress like that character in Mortal Kombat who wears the rice hat. It’ll be like Lord Raidon [or whatever his name was] fucking Bo Peep.”

It just makes me go on to wonder what other ridiculous [i.e. fucked up shit] AMWF couples say to each other.

Also, part of me would still love to go back in time just to smack the people who came up with lace, bustles, ball gowns, daisy dukes and straw hats.

And Mark Zerkerberg for creating Facebook.


17 thoughts on “The Fucked Up Shit We Say

  1. Yes, I’ll try to finish it in two weeks. I feel more confident with my writing than I do with my teaching, so maybe I should put my focus there. Although, I haven’t made very much money with my writing…

    I can’t wait to hear more about your weekend. I’m intrigued. Are you hiding a secret sadistic side? A fetish for men’s elbows? I’m looking forward to something grotesque

  2. Ah. I see… Maybe you could talk it over with Em he’d be down with it. But you may need to work a trade and find a hot girl for him… to smooth the way.

    And yeah! Feel free to send me the story to look over. I don’t mind checking it over and giving feedback. It sounds intriguing!
    It really helps to have an extra pair of eyes. I seriously need that as well. I really hate editing my own stuff.

    Send it here:

    (It’s kind of a silly email name I came up with on the spot one night, but it works)

    You pushed that guy off the tram platform and abruptly told him you’re going home alone?! Haha… I bet he was beside himself trying to figure out what to make of you.

    In regard to the slutty male masseurs… They definitely provide that service solely for women. It doesn’t extend to men. So I’ve been told.

  3. Well, the Lao boy basically gave me an open invitation to stay at his place in Berlin and will fuck me on request. He also told me I was the best thing about his trip so that was a serious ego boost. The real reason I didn’t fuck him though was because I fucked up the whole being open, honest, communicative thing with Em and got a lot of shit for it. I decided to go the whole “let’s pretend I’m single and irresponsible” route, but that never works because there’s too much guilt. I should have been unapologetically honest and just done it instead of agonizing over what to do internally and then making a split decision at the last minute – I pushed the guy off the tram platform and told him I was going home alone.

    I have to practice being my true self more. I already spent too much time pretending I was so pure, and I still do it with other guys, too (the “I’ve only ever been with two guys” eyelash batting bullshit routine) but truly, I’m an unrepentant slut, and I’d like more people to know.

    That poor guy. He was so cute, and even shorter than me which I enjoy so much because it’s rare. Still, he was not very special. Maybe when he grows up a bit.

    Oh yeah, it’s gotta be the Buddhist tradition. The robes, the prohibitions, the marigold petals, I like all of it, but I’m planning on subverting the tradition with sexy results. If you’re interested, maybe you can read it over and give me feedback before I publish it. My best friend has been celibate for over a year and can no longer stomach my writing.

    Did those guys look for specifically women as clients or did they extend their services to men? That sounds like a pretty nice niche.

  4. I hear ya… I also regret that you didn’t experience the Lao boy. I’m thinking… Damn, I should’ve said something more encouraging, try to convince you.

    Especially him being a masseur. Damn. Does he give happy endings?

    I knew an attorney and a med student in Seattle who both moonlighted as masseurs who will get you off at the end with their mouths and fingers. The attorney says that sex isn’t part of the package but a friend of mine called his bluff. Their thing was… they wanted to see a few pics of you first, via email. Then you’d drop by and meet them then discuss the time/locale via email. They wanted to see that you’re attractive, clean, etc.

    I do hope that you continue the monk story. I’m assuming you mean Buddhist.

  5. Oh those lustful monks. I have a thing for monk humiliation. I’ve formed a skeleton for a story about it, so hopefully, I’ll start working on it soon, and you can get to know some of my ideas. I wonder how exactly this young monk surprised you. I imagine he smelled like incense.

    It’s interesting, the way that people have to face their freedom. I’m finally maturing enough to begin that balancing act between freedom, privilege, and responsibility. I keep fucking things up, but I hope that I’ll get it right someday. The ultimate dream, of course, is a harem of beautiful men, but for now, I’ll try to work out my issues with just one and hopefully have a few nice flings here and there. I’d have liked to get a bit freaky with the Lao masseuse, but things didn’t work out. I have a lot of wild ideas, but I haven’t had the bravery to pursue them.

  6. Nowadays I much prefer sculpture as a personal study of form. I painted for a long time, starting from college, then started a gallery with a friend in Seattle. But I left because of the overhead costs, namely the elaborate parties.. The last thing I made there was a ridiculous installation of wedding dresses formed with resins, climbing up the wall, dripping with what appeared to be shimmering jizz. And I filled another room with blowup dolls just loitering in normal clothing, gossiping, etc.
    Mostly influenced by a really bad breakup. We had been together many years and I was leaving him. I lost my marbles there for a bit.

    That ex (mentioned above) was definitely the flashy, narcissistic, emotionally off-kilter type. Super hot, kind of resembling Johnny Depp.

    I’ve had a lot of that type. It was Hell. And I’m wary of men nowadays with looks like those. Another reason for why I prefer sweet, sincere types.
    Sometimes I find it fun to teach them things but sometimes they can really surprise you. I dated an ex monk from Myanmar and he was soooooo innocent (only been with 2 women) but he actually taught me some things.

    I love those sweet, thoughtful boys with a secretive side to them.

    Maybe it’s time you pull out a bit of weird on Em or the next sweet/genteel guy you encounter.

    I just keep sensing it’s in you, the way you’re searching, but it hasn’t quite surfaced just yet. And when it does… you’ll thrive there.

  7. Wow, a fascinating yet dysfunctional niche art scene. I’d like to read about that.

    The sincere and sweet guys tend to be very uninteresting. Or at least, just kind of toned down. It’s something to get accustomed to when you’re drawn to flashy guys. That masseuse was pretty typical, but he had a good heart, and I miss him a lot already. Is there a word for regretting something you didn’t do? Probably in his language, in German. I would have liked to give him pleasure, but I was incapable of doing it without guilt and while giving him my full attention. He would have let me do anything to him.

    So you have a strong background in art? What is your medium?

  8. Man, I think I picked up a bug over the weekend, after a night forced into honky tonk Hell, drinking shitty liquor in redneck bars.

    Actually, I’m still trying to understand the deal with fetishism myself. It gets to a point where I’m wondering if we’re supposed to feel guilty for being attracted to certain attributes specific to a particular race. (like long, narrow, hooded eyes) And so I’ll stop thinking about it until someone says something that makes me cringe.

    Recently a female reader wrote to me about her desire to experience Asian men after reading my Jimjilbang story, but said she’s been intrigued by the thought of being “Blacked” (sex with black men) –coined by her white co-workers.
    Good god. I’ve NEVER heard that expression before.

    As far as intellectuals go… It’s those pedantic critics with the superiority complex who feel it’s their duty to critique your every word then castigate you later like the parent who’ll say, “Just wait until we get home, little lady.” but in a sneaky, passive-aggressive way… that get to me.
    The assumption that you’d still have the desire to suck them off later…

    In regard to Butoh… I was far more intrigued back in college but a lot of that wore off as I got to know some prominent performers (like my ex), watched countless performances and noted the arrogance that flourished within that particular community.

    These days I prefer more sincere conversation that comes from a place of good intension.

    I still hold some appreciation for the original practice and founders, although Hijikata was insane and actually fucked a chicken to death in the very 1st performance.

    I’m extremely hesitant to ever date another artist again. Although, art takes up a larger part of my background/history. :-/

  9. I’ve never heard of butoh before, so I looked it up, and it’s really quite bizarre. Did you like his performances? I’m incredibly wary of dating any sort of intellectual at this point. It always becomes some kind of competition. I don’t want a man with the same weaknesses and character flaws as myself.

    I just ask about the fetishism because I’m trying to understand it myself. I don’t think I fetishize Asian men, but I let them get away with a lot more than I would allow men of other races. I think my preference is mostly a looks thing because I can’t imagine getting off to an accent or how well he cooked noodles or something. And I don’t think it’s cultural because I prefer Westernized men. It’s difficult to come to grips with this type of prejudice based on appearance. I wonder how the guys would feel if they saw a line up of all the guys I’ve dated. Would it even matter? But it’s not like it’s just by chance that I’ve dated all of them. I’ve sought them out based on appearance and then retained them or left them based on their character. If I met an Asian guy living somewhere in Asia who had only dated blonde girls, I think I might be put off initially. But it might end up being better for me since he would be used to the sweat and the amount of hair (or maybe that’s just me).

    Long term relationships can be such a bitch because when it’s romantic, people expect it to fit into a certain format. I’ve had the same best friend for about 12 years now, and I really don’t understand why it’s felt so easy to maintain a close relationship with her and so hard to stay with Em. I wish that romantic partners would be more flexible with their expectations of the relationship.

  10. This weekend got pretty nutty and I had an accidental hangover yesterday… so I’m just now back online.

    Yeah, I was a massage therapist for many years. I’m looking into changing my modality as my hands cramp and I broke a finger.

    I’ve been fetishized by Asian men before as well as by men of other nationalities and skin tones.
    As long as it comes from a place of respect and they keep it in check, I don’t mind. It’s all in the perspective and it boils down to respect… and the quality of the sex. 😉

    My [Korean] ex fiancee even began that way (fetishizing me) and was really into the southern accent. When I left on trips I would call him and he’d almost always get himself off while talking with me over the phone. But later on that actually turned against me. He began to put me down, usually to soothe his ego whenever he felt overshadowed. He loved and hated that I’m kind of a charmer. If his friends laughed at my quirky jokes or antics he would become jealous that attention was taken from him (he’s fairly well-known artist/Butoh performer) and he’d say something disparaging about my [southern] upbringing. It really began to crush my self-esteem.

    You’re soooooo right… it does seem that brief relationships often work best, at least for me.
    But that’s coming from someone who was passed around by foster parents for many years and became accustomed to leaving everything/everyone behind. And I still do that to a degree… and that’s why Facebook has been a colossal nagging pain in my butt.

    Short relationships also help me to remain aware of the temporary nature of everything and not to become too attached or enmeshed with one individual. That’s when loss becomes overwhelming.

    But I do wonder if I’m missing something. I’m sure that I am.

    How can I know when I’m only seeing things through this filter, from my perspective. To some degree I’m still seeing through a 13 yr old girl’s point of view where freedom is everything, meaning sanity, healthy detachment, new beginnings, therefore happiness.

  11. You were a massage therapist? Did you ever get any handsome clients? I think you told me about one guy…

    I can’t really figure out why, but Gone with the Wind is one of Em’s favorite movies. He has asked me to read the book aloud to him, but he’d probably like it more coming from a girl with an accent like yours. How would you feel about being fetishized by an Asian guy? What if he wanted you to really lay on the accent? And wear those cut offs? Would you indulge him? How hot would he have to be? Just some thoughts I have.

    I’ve always hated how my voice sounds. I recently got chastised in my teaching class for turning certain statements into questions. The typical girly voice. The more experience I’ve gotten with real people, the less judgmental I’ve become about accents and voice types. The Lao guy I went out with recently had such a thick accent that was a bit off-putting at first, but I got used to it and felt pretty guilty. After all, he’s at least trilingual, and I only speak English. And now that he’s gone, I find that I wish I could hear his voice again. He was such a sweetheart. Sometimes, those short relationships are the best because I never got the chance to be disappointed by him.

  12. Oh, no need to apologize! Most old memories like that are just old memories… I got your meaning and appreciate it. I’m flattered and happy to hear of when non-Southern gentlemen appreciate women like me. 😉

  13. Yea Southeastern Conference. I apologize if I brought up uncomfortable memories. I only meant to show that not everyone thinks poorly of the South. Just extending empathy 🙂

  14. Haha… Thank you for saying so. I’ve had so many mixed reactions. While my ex was turned on by my voice he also had a habit of occasionally stereotyping me in unsavory ways, making assumptions related to southern culture.

    If you don’t mind me asking… By SEC are you referring to the Southeastern Conference?

  15. Since I am not White or Southern, I wouldn’t proclaim to know how you feel, so thanks so much for sharing your story. I think all of those who made fun of your accent are just assholes. I actually spent my undergrad years at a Southern (SEC actually) school and really came to like the South.

    Also, I kinda agree with your ex. Pretty white Southern belles look really hot, if I may say so haha

  16. Thank you, BAP. I truly appreciate hearing your thoughts and kind words. Yeah, it’s a sad habit of people to project their hateful, clichéd caricatures onto others and I think/hope it’s changing more rapidly but it will be a process what with humans being these OCD creatures that have to categorize every-friggin-thing and sequester any/everything that seems “foreign” or dissident.

    I’m probably biased, but I’ve always felt Asian accents [male and female] are the sweetest and I would certainly never mimic anyone, especially my friends, for having one. That initially made learning to speak Korean difficult because I was so worried about sounding anything like the silly jerks who enjoy imitating ethnic stereotypes.

    My Korean and Chinese students often enjoyed teaching me new words and would giggle to hear me try speaking various Chinese dialects with my flattened American tone. Although, in a very affectionate, endearing way. I do miss hearing their sweet voices.

    Anyhow, thanks again. 🙂

  17. I appreciated that whole process actually… i mean, it was extremely honest. we can admit that the cultural settings in which we experience sex sometimes bends our tastes in unexpected…. even unpreferred ways. it is a healthy way to help deal with things we might find shameful. mthat’s really hard to do, let alone baring it all….. so good on you.

    i love a southern accent, and dont associate anything with it…. that is a horrible thing to have people make you thinkthat you sound bad. im sure that’s not true!

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